Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
