Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Randomize
