just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42ā€¯ tv lol
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