people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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