He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
