Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
