Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
