I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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