did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
