I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
