In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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