My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
