I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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