my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
