there was a trapeze. enough said
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
