last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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