dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
