If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
