you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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