I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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