garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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