Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
