You're completely useless in the revolution.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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