I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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