We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
