Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
