I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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