The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Hippo gnu deer
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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