I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
