There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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