I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Well I just put wine in my tea
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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