1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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