Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
