you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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