Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My feet surprised me
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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