When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Well I just put wine in my tea
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I need a beard to bite.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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