is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
