Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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