I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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