Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
