Already got asked if we're dating
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
