her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You made out with two different species that night
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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