Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
