And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
