got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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