you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
