I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
