If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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