i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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