I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
