She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Where is the hickey?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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