I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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