If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
