When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
