just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
