um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
