Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
