This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
